Get Real
How to Be Your Truest Self and Love Your Life
"Authenticity is key to a happy, healthy, more meaningful existence. Just being yourself sounds so easy, yet it's suprisingly hard to do. Here's how to be your truest self every day."
Written by: Marjorie Ingall
Written by: Marjorie Ingall
A few years ago, I was sitting at a family brunch listening to an elderly relative blithely spout racist and homophobic remarks. The room was so silent, you could have heard a pin drop—a pin I wish I could have poked her with. Was anyone going to challenge her? Apparently not. Should I say something? Because I'd only married into this family, I worried about overstepping. Gently, I offered, "I think you're making some major generalizations…." She glared, and a cousin shot me a silent message: Shut it. I did.
Years later, I still regret not speaking up, and the memory of that moment makes me feel as if I'd betrayed myself. As I discovered, being genuinely authentic—something experts define as knowing who you are and what you value and being true to those things in your daily life—is vital to happiness, as important as forming strong friendships and finding fulfilling work. "Research shows that if you talk about what you believe and identify with what you say, rather than hiding yourself from others, you'll be a happier person," says Kennon Sheldon, Ph.D., professor of psychological sciences at the University of Missouri at Columbia. "To achieve peak happiness—autonomy, competence and relatedness—we have to do what we believe, do it well, keep getting better at it and connect to other people in the process. The surest way to achieve all that is to live authentically," Sheldon explains.
Understanding who you are and feeling confident enough to express your views may also lead to improved health and longevity. "People who score high on measures of authenticity tend to have better resources for dealing with setbacks, feel more secure in their ability to meet life's challenges, form deeper relationships and develop a stronger sense of self-worth," says Brian Goldman, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at Clayton State University. They also seem to experience less stress. "Studies suggest that individuals who know themselves well and act on what they know report fewer stress-related symptoms such as headaches, backaches and stomachaches."
But what if who you are defies the expectations of everyone around you? Or what if you have conflicting impulses, as I did that day at brunch—specifically, a desire to avoid a scene versus standing up for what I knew was right? "We all have versions of ourselves that pull us in different directions," says Catherine Birndorf, M.D., a psychiatrist at NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital/Weill Cornell Medical Center and self's psychology expert. For instance, you may act one way at work and another with friends. (No F-bombs at the staff meeting!) "But if loved ones are pointing out that you're not being yourself on a regular basis"—e.g., you suppress your opinions because you don't want to anger your hotheaded boyfriend—"that's a clue you're not being true to yourself and you should look at that," she says.
Women, in particular, may have a tough time with authenticity. "Marching to your own drummer goes against evolutionary conditioning," says Julie Holland, M.D., assistant professor of psychiatry at the New York University School of Medicine. "Women are hardwired to chug along a predetermined path—couple up, have kids," she says. "Plus, most of us are taught that it's more important to fit in than to be authentic to who we are."
Another evolutionary strike against authenticity: "Typically, women tend to be nurturers; we're more attuned to other people's needs," Dr. Birndorf says. "When you're worrying so much about how others are doing, it can be difficult to be aware of what you want, never mind speaking up about it." But if you make no effort to figure out what you want, you're almost certain to disappoint yourself—and be less happy, to boot.
One surprising factor that might make it easier to be authentic: the economic downturn. "What's happening in the economy is terrifying, yes, but it's also forcing some of us to break down our facades and do a bit of soul searching about who we are and what we want," says Mike Robbins, a life coach and author of Be Yourself: Everyone Else Is Already Taken. "We're trying to define our identity without a job or a 401(k)." That can feel frightening at first, but it's also an opportunity to figure out how to pack more meaning into your day-to-day and connect with others more deeply.
Another evolutionary strike against authenticity: "Typically, women tend to be nurturers; we're more attuned to other people's needs," Dr. Birndorf says. "When you're worrying so much about how others are doing, it can be difficult to be aware of what you want, never mind speaking up about it." But if you make no effort to figure out what you want, you're almost certain to disappoint yourself—and be less happy, to boot.
The four keys to living authentically
So how do you go about getting real? Goldman says these four factors are critical to finding and projecting who you are.
- An awareness of what makes you tick That could mean knowing you value the freedom to be creative more than you do having a regular routine, or that you'd rather have a few close confidantes than a wide circle of casual acquaintances.
- The ability to gauge your weaknesses Maybe you know you're not the biggest brainiac, but you compensate by being a superstar worker. Or you can acknowledge that you have a habit of telling white lies to make your anecdotes more interesting.
- A willingness to act in accordance with your values That might mean speaking up against injustice or refusing to do work that runs counter to your beliefs.
- Honest and sincere relationships "Letting people know who you really are, revealing your vulnerabilities as well as your strengths, is key if you want strong, healthy relationships," says Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D., author of The How of Happiness. Meaning you need to be able to share all the sides of you, even the ones you're not always proud of. "Honest disclosure helps create closeness, which leads to greater social support and long-term joy," she says.
One surprising factor that might make it easier to be authentic: the economic downturn. "What's happening in the economy is terrifying, yes, but it's also forcing some of us to break down our facades and do a bit of soul searching about who we are and what we want," says Mike Robbins, a life coach and author of Be Yourself: Everyone Else Is Already Taken. "We're trying to define our identity without a job or a 401(k)." That can feel frightening at first, but it's also an opportunity to figure out how to pack more meaning into your day-to-day and connect with others more deeply.
Ready to lead a life you feel good about, from the inside out? Dive in to the following exercises, designed to help you hear your inner voice and heed it, so every day can feel richer, more joy-filled and less stressful, starting right now.
If it's difficult to zero in on what you truly value, ask yourself this question: "If today were my last day on earth, what would I do?" This exercise should help you target what really resonates with you, whether it's leading a life that's endlessly stimulating or enjoying well-loved rituals with family close at hand. Once you've achieved this self-awareness, you'll be better equipped to choose friends and a partner who share your values, find a career and hobbies that thrill you and build a life you love.
Clearly, I was ignoring the first tenet of authenticity: being aware of what made me tick. I also wasn't paying attention to what I knew about my strengths and weaknesses (the second tenet).
Then I got promoted: The big bosses wanted me to manage the other writers. Given that the only part of the job I enjoyed and valued was the friendships I had made with these writers, the prospect of having to be the one to tell them what to do, cracking the whip and losing those congenial relationships made me feel anxious rather than joyful. My reaction, and the fact that I was finally able to acknowledge it, hammered home how unhappy I was. So I gave notice and returned to magazine writing. And before long, I could breathe again.
As for my failure to stand up to my bigoted relative at that long-ago brunch, that broke authenticity tenet number three: I didn't act in a way that was congruent with my values. I've always prided myself on being someone who stands up to oppression. (I write articles in favor of gay marriage and against racism. I bring my kids to political rallies. I watch Jon Stewart!) I'm not saying I should have drowned out her rant by singing 1960s folk songs, but let's be honest: After a feeble protest, I caved. And my silence conveyed the message that this woman's words were acceptable. Maybe if I'd done the following exercise beforehand, I wouldn't have betrayed myself that way.
Perhaps the toughest part of being authentic is owning up to your less than noble emotions (jealousy when a friend announces she's pregnant while you've been fruitlessly trying for years). Why bother? When you allow yourself to be known, you give others the opportunity to reveal themselves as well. That's what brings people closer, a key to happiness.
Consider whether you express your true emotions. Start by asking yourself this question: A friend tells you that she has landed your secret dream job. How do you react to the "good" news?
A With a squeal of joy; you can cry later, when you're alone.
B By saying, "Wow, I've heard they work really long hours there. Forget that vacation you were planning!"
C By telling your friend how proud you are of her and that you know she'll do great in her new gig, but also admitting that you're a little bit jealous of her accomplishment.
If you answered C, congratulations. You're generally able to show your emotions, even when they're not pretty, which means you likely have close bonds. If you answered A or B, you'll be glad to know you have the chance to improve your relationships. "Being your true self doesn't mean obliterating the traits that aren't great," Dr. Birndorf says. "If you're feeling jealous, you don't have to hide it. Coming clean may even help you identify a possible problem before it turns into something huge, and you'll both understand each other better." There is a bonus beyond deepening the friendship: "When you recognize that it's possible to have complex, opposing feelings at the same time, that's a huge emotional victory," Dr. Birndorf says.
As I've gotten older and learned to trust myself, I've had more of those kinds of victories, like when I fell in love with my husband and decided to go live with him, clear across the country. When I told a former boss and mentor about my plans, she was horrified: "My generation did not pave the way for yours so that you could give up and play house!" I had always looked up to this woman, so her negative response made me anxious. I, too, felt worried about not being properly feminist or that I'd feel like a fool if the relationship didn't work out and I ended up slinking home with my tail between my legs.
Yet despite all that, I kept on with my plan. I also vowed to tell people the real reason I was moving (my boyfriend lives in California, and I'm going there to be with him) as opposed to inventing fake reasons for my move (I need a break from New York City). Despite the inevitable criticism, it was easier to tell the truth—even to my mentor—because I knew that my desires were authentic. And although there were no guarantees that things would work out, I wanted to try. In return, I got love and challenges and hot sex and pain and joy and, eventually, beautiful children. But even if my relationship had tanked and I'd moved back alone, I know that taking the risk would have been worth it. I was, after all, following not only my gut but also my heart. You can't get more authentic than that.
Pinpoint what matters to you
Pursuing intrinsic goals—goals motivated by you alone, rather than family, friends or society—will bring you more satisfaction and pleasure than following a path you haven't chosen freely, according to Lyubomirsky. So grab a pen and answer these questions, to hone in on what you value most.
- What makes you happiest? Is it spending time with people you love or solving tough problems? If you're having trouble being specific, "try thinking about words or concepts that feel meaningful, whether that's integrity, ambition, passion, success or connection," Dr. Birndorf suggests. "Ask yourself what defines you, what's most important in your life."
- Next, consider what upsets you most. All the injustice in the world? Feeling disconnected from friends and family?
- What are your deepest fears? That you'll become homeless? Never having the adventures you've dreamed of?
- What gifts do you want to share? Are you a genius at bringing people together? Do you have a yen to write poetry?
If it's difficult to zero in on what you truly value, ask yourself this question: "If today were my last day on earth, what would I do?" This exercise should help you target what really resonates with you, whether it's leading a life that's endlessly stimulating or enjoying well-loved rituals with family close at hand. Once you've achieved this self-awareness, you'll be better equipped to choose friends and a partner who share your values, find a career and hobbies that thrill you and build a life you love.
Know your weaknesses
It's not enough to know what you care about. You also need to be aware of your strengths and where you fall short so you can choose realistic goals that will ultimately feel satisfying. To see if you're a master of unbiased processing—the ability to view yourself objectively, warts and all—try to recall…
- A time you ignored your gut. Ever hooked up with an ex against your better judgment, then felt (predictably) regretful? Next time, pause when you get that initial sinking feeling. "Often, when you're not paying attention to your inner voice, you'll experience a variety of physical sensations—aches and pains or a pounding heart," Dr. Birndorf says. "Take note, then ask yourself, Am I listening to my internal compass?"
- A time you tried to whitewash one of your flaws. Maybe deep down, you know you're an ace procrastinator, but somehow, you always find an excuse for why things don't get done. (No time!) "None of us is perfect," Dr. Birndorf says. "By accepting the various shades of gray, you'll have a clearer picture of who you are and what you need to do to get what you want."
- A time you blamed someone else for your mistake. ("If you hadn't distracted me, I'd have done a better job!") The point of these questions is not to beat yourself up—you probably do too much of that anyway. "You want to become more aware, a key step in changing any negative behaviors," Dr. Holland says.
Clearly, I was ignoring the first tenet of authenticity: being aware of what made me tick. I also wasn't paying attention to what I knew about my strengths and weaknesses (the second tenet).
Then I got promoted: The big bosses wanted me to manage the other writers. Given that the only part of the job I enjoyed and valued was the friendships I had made with these writers, the prospect of having to be the one to tell them what to do, cracking the whip and losing those congenial relationships made me feel anxious rather than joyful. My reaction, and the fact that I was finally able to acknowledge it, hammered home how unhappy I was. So I gave notice and returned to magazine writing. And before long, I could breathe again.
Align your values and actions
As for my failure to stand up to my bigoted relative at that long-ago brunch, that broke authenticity tenet number three: I didn't act in a way that was congruent with my values. I've always prided myself on being someone who stands up to oppression. (I write articles in favor of gay marriage and against racism. I bring my kids to political rallies. I watch Jon Stewart!) I'm not saying I should have drowned out her rant by singing 1960s folk songs, but let's be honest: After a feeble protest, I caved. And my silence conveyed the message that this woman's words were acceptable. Maybe if I'd done the following exercise beforehand, I wouldn't have betrayed myself that way.
- Think of a time you didn't act in concert with your values. Next, change the script. What could you have done or said differently? What if you'd said X and she'd said Y? "It's easy to brood over the times we've let ourselves down or blurted out something silly," Dr. Birndorf says. "Instead of replaying these missteps, it's helpful to reimagine how you might have handled things differently so you can do better next time." That doesn't mean envisioning a scene in which you're simply telling the person off. "Being authentic is not about being a jerk—you have to respect where someone else is coming from," Sheldon says. "The best way to be persuasive is to take in someone else's perspective, to say something like, 'You may not see it this way, but here's why I think what I do.' You have to give people the space to have a different opinion."
- Reflect on the possible consequences of your new version. What's the worst that could have happened? Would speaking your mind really have been so catastrophic? When I look back on my relative's tirade and my tepid response, I realize that I could have tried to say something along the lines of "The way you're talking is making me uncomfortable. But we have different views here, so let's change the subject." Even if she lost her temper, no biggie—I'd still look like the reasonable one. Or I could have kept my mouth shut, avoided conflict altogether, then clued in my younger cousins as to how I was feeling later. ("You know it's not right to talk like that, don't you? I wish I'd said something, but I didn't want to embarrass Cousin So-and-So.")
Dare to reveal your true self
Perhaps the toughest part of being authentic is owning up to your less than noble emotions (jealousy when a friend announces she's pregnant while you've been fruitlessly trying for years). Why bother? When you allow yourself to be known, you give others the opportunity to reveal themselves as well. That's what brings people closer, a key to happiness.
Consider whether you express your true emotions. Start by asking yourself this question: A friend tells you that she has landed your secret dream job. How do you react to the "good" news?
A With a squeal of joy; you can cry later, when you're alone.
B By saying, "Wow, I've heard they work really long hours there. Forget that vacation you were planning!"
C By telling your friend how proud you are of her and that you know she'll do great in her new gig, but also admitting that you're a little bit jealous of her accomplishment.
If you answered C, congratulations. You're generally able to show your emotions, even when they're not pretty, which means you likely have close bonds. If you answered A or B, you'll be glad to know you have the chance to improve your relationships. "Being your true self doesn't mean obliterating the traits that aren't great," Dr. Birndorf says. "If you're feeling jealous, you don't have to hide it. Coming clean may even help you identify a possible problem before it turns into something huge, and you'll both understand each other better." There is a bonus beyond deepening the friendship: "When you recognize that it's possible to have complex, opposing feelings at the same time, that's a huge emotional victory," Dr. Birndorf says.
As I've gotten older and learned to trust myself, I've had more of those kinds of victories, like when I fell in love with my husband and decided to go live with him, clear across the country. When I told a former boss and mentor about my plans, she was horrified: "My generation did not pave the way for yours so that you could give up and play house!" I had always looked up to this woman, so her negative response made me anxious. I, too, felt worried about not being properly feminist or that I'd feel like a fool if the relationship didn't work out and I ended up slinking home with my tail between my legs.
Yet despite all that, I kept on with my plan. I also vowed to tell people the real reason I was moving (my boyfriend lives in California, and I'm going there to be with him) as opposed to inventing fake reasons for my move (I need a break from New York City). Despite the inevitable criticism, it was easier to tell the truth—even to my mentor—because I knew that my desires were authentic. And although there were no guarantees that things would work out, I wanted to try. In return, I got love and challenges and hot sex and pain and joy and, eventually, beautiful children. But even if my relationship had tanked and I'd moved back alone, I know that taking the risk would have been worth it. I was, after all, following not only my gut but also my heart. You can't get more authentic than that.
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