My BMI Scarred Me For Life

In a recent conversation, strong feelings of hurt and anger resurfaced, reminding me of how much I hate standarized measurements when it comes to health and fitness. The BMI index is such a standard. It attempts to provide a rule by which one's "body fatness" can be measured and correlated to his/her overall health. The breakdown is pretty simple:

BMI	Weight Status
Below 18.5	Underweight
18.5 – 24.9	Normal
25.0 – 29.9	Overweight
30.0 and Above	Obese

It uses one's height and weight to determine these numbers. They fall as follows:

Here's where I start to get upset. Currently, I stand at 5'4.5" and weigh 147 lbs. Based on the above chart, my BMI is 25.2; I am "overweight." This is an interesting turn of events as two people just today remarked at how thin and "good" I looked. Your weight and height alone do not take into account body frame size or muscle tone - two aspects of one's anatomy that has a huge effect on his/her weight.

Now, you may think I'm overreacting a bit here, that as an adult I should recognize the fallacy of such standarized charts and not get hung up on them. But what happens when as a 5 year old I am told that I'm overweight, essentially fat, by a physician because of those numbers? And, because of my physical condition, my whole family had to start drinking 1% milk because it was deemded a contributing factor to my unpleasant numbers. And as I continued to grow up, the story never changed.

Now, admittedly, I was "chunky" growing up. I was not thin, never was. But I wasn't overly fat, certainly not obese. I have a medium frame, and puberty wasn't the kindest. Nevertheless, I never "measured up" when it came to my annual physical and those darned numbers. So, as one thing often leads to another, helped along by ridicule from my peers, I developed an eating disorder my junior year of high school. Indeed, I suffered from anorexia. 

I wasn't the typical anorexic. I was one of the "smarter" ones and masked it well. I figured out using calorie and metabolic rate calculators how to measure out only enough food as I could burn until the next time I had to eat. That was my first "strategy." Secondarily, I drank gallons of water, and I mean gallons. Typically, after a meal, I would drink two full Brita pitchers of water, which amounts to approximately 160 ounces (a gallon is 128 ounces). I had learned in science class that when cells are "drenched" in enough water they will break down; therefore, in addition to severely limiting my food intake, my over-hydration would cause any fat I would consume to be drowned and never given the chance to stack up.

My plan worked...all too well. I dropped to 117 lbs. and fit into a size 2 jean. According to the chart, 117 lbs. is within the healthy range, but I was far from healthy. Due to my dramatic weight loss, my period stopped coming every month. In addition, I stopped sweating. I was heavily involved in karate and would often leave class with my t-shirt damp and in need of a shower. After having lost too much weight, my body decided it did not need to sweat. I am still uncertain of the biological reason behind this.

My harmful pattern of behavior lasted about a year. My family knew something was up; my mother brought me to counselling, which did little for me. My sister was exceptionally angry with me for being so unhealthy, yet remained generally supportive. I started to turn from my ways in the latter part of 2002. I was overwhelmed by my lifestyle and academics (as I was in my Senior year) so much so that I had a nervous breakdown. I just couldn't take the pressure of it all any more - pressure to fit into the mold to which doctor's prescribed me, pressure to perform above and beyond academically (an expectation I placed on myself), and the pressure to perform to other's expectations in my social/extracurricular life.

My mother was incredibly supportive the night I fell apart. She suggested we go out shopping, to Wal-Mart of all places, and take the day off from school the next day. That night I ate a whole pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream - admittedly, a huge step for an anorexic. A paradigm shift began the next morning after having done that and then seeing and realizing that I didn't magically pack on 25 lbs. It was a difficult weekend, but I worked some things out within myself. I realized I was pushing myself far too hard, and for what? So, I dropped Calculus, an elective I did not need, and spoke to a few of my teachers, who freed me to relax my overachieving tendencies. I also took a break off from karate for a period of 2 months; I had never had more than a week off since I began in 1997. During this time, I freed myself to do what I wanted to do, not bound to any particular schedule except for what I made for myself. What a beautiful thing that was!

I would say that it was not until April of 2003 that I was fully over my condition. The two months off had done wonders for me in all areas of life. The numbers continued to haunt me off and on for a while afterwards, but over time I learned how to make healthy choices and not overly restrict myself. I am thankful that people I am very close to (my husband and sister, for example) know my story and have kept me accoutable when they see me even looking in the direction that could lead me back to destructive habits. I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on things now, but it was undoubtedly those darn BMI numbers and cultural pressures to be thin that started me down a dangerous road.

The lessons I have learned and the wisdom I gained from the whole experience is one of the biggest motivating factors for why I started this blog. I wish for no woman to feel so poorly about themselves that they would acquire an eating disorder and have to go through what I did...or worse. Pop culture makes it difficult for any woman, thin or otherwise, to be happy with themselves; it does not promote self-acceptance that's for sure. But despite what society or even a doctor tells you, you know yourself better than anyone else. Even if your mind is clouded by denial, deep down you know when you're acting in an unhealthy way. That is not to say it is easy to change your habits; it took me having a nervous breakdown before I could even think about changing. But with the support of family and friends, you can do just about anything.

I am certainly not writing this post, hoping to gain pity. I write in the hopes of helping another man or woman who may be stuck in a rut as I was. If you need anything, dietary advice, assistance in creating a healthy living plan, or just a listening ear, I offer myself to you. But at the very least, I encourage everyone who reads this to strive to find peace within themselves with who they are, however tall, short, fat, or thin. The first step towards any type of personal improvement is self-acceptance (kind of like the first step towards resolving a problem is admitting you have one). Self-acceptance is indispensable when it comes to achieving whatever you dare and dream to be. Best of luck to you and please, please, please don't blindly believe everything you are told or read! Be confident in who you are - you are the only you this world will ever know.