One of my favorite fashion features of spring is the ever classic, always "in" trench coat. Trench coats have been couture for decades. One memorable trench coat toting individual is Humphrey Bogart as displayed in the movie, Casablanca. Boy, did he wear it with style! After watching his performance, how could you not want one? They give off such an air of adventure and a certain savoirfaire (that's know-how in plain English). I'm in! (And at this time, a big shout out goes to Mom, who is a big Humphrey fan). :)
In recent years, trench coats have fanned out from their singular and most familiar khaki color and double breast. Now, trench coats come in all sorts of colors, prints, and styles! And, with the emphasis on bright colors this spring, don't be shocked to to see one in an outstanding hue.
Length has also been updated as you can readily find shorter styles, which make me happy as I benefit from a style that hits right at my hip as opposed to mid-thigh or lower.
As spring started rolling in, I began to hunt for a trench coat that I really liked as I did not yet own a spring jacket suitable for wearing out. Finding one that fit into my budget was of primary concern. Secondarily, I was focused on the style, color, and fit - naturally. It was difficult to find an inexpensive one, and understandably so. I acknowledge that when it comes to fashion, something as timeless as a trench coat is worth spending a bit more money on than you may otherwise simply because you will likely get years upon years of usage out of it. However, one needs an extra $50+ in order to spend it, which is not a luxury I have had recently.
(If you're interested, you can click here to read a recently written article entitled, Is A Timeless Burberry Trench Coat Worth Your Full Tax Return (And Then Some)? that makes a great case for why spending nearly $1000 on a trench coat can be considered a wise investment. But if you're budget conscious. as I am, here is another article that highlights coats costing under $50).
I have also learned that if you're not 100% sold on something in store, it is likely not worth putting out the money for the item. So despite my grand desire, I turned away from not a few jackets before I found two I liked enough to try on. I was in Marshall's and happened upon a categorical trench coat with the type of modern appeal I was searching for - color: black; length: at my hip. Added noteworthy features - single breasted with a tiered design below the waist. It was cute and a little different. I called in my sister for a second opinion on this one - hence the fitting room photo.
My second option was the one I settled on, that my sister liked best, and which similarly appealed to me more for a few different reasons: Color - grey, suitable for just about any ensemble. Style: Single breast, mandarin style collar, cape sleeves. Length: stops at the hip. For all of these reasons, I liked this jacket more. The cape sleeves were a big hit with me as they were different, a little bit of a fashion risk so to speak as they are a bit out of the norm. Also, the mandarin collar is not something one may expect to find on a spring jacket - another plus. Oh, and let me not forget about the price tag: $19.99. SOLD!
So my search for a trench coat didn't land me a traditional one, but I am more than happy with my purchase. I continue to oogle at the pictures of various trenches that have been invading my magazines. Below are a few more designs that have tickled my fancy.
Ruffle Detail
Kimono Style
Military Style (with scarf) :)
One of my absolute favorite looks is this simple, safari-like look as worn by my beloved and beautiful sister, Erica. Looking debonair and ready for whatever life throws her way. I would dare say she could rival Humphrey! :)
So about two months ago, I was turned on to an app called MyFitnessPal. It allows you to set a daily caloric intake goal, log the foods that you eat and their caloric values, and track your exercise and fitness activities. At first, it was love at first touch (to my iphone screen, that is). I was hooked. I faithfully logged everything I ate and every exercise session I completed. However, after about 3 weeks, my propensity for logging turned into slight obsession. I found myself thinking too much about what I was eating, when I was eating next, and how my numbers would be effected with my next Zumba session. Seeing mental patterns emerging that could very well lead me down the road I once traveled, I deleted the app.
Now, that is not to say that any and every fitness application or tool will invariably lead one down a path of eating disorders and OCD behaviors. Rather, they can prove quite helpful. Many thrive off that type of accountability. I, however, with my past ever lurking, only benefited so much. And, for the most part, I already make good choices daily; I don't need an app to encourage me to do so or keep me on the straight and narrow, so to speak.
This whole episode got me thinking about the "tricks of the trade" that I carry with me on a daily basis to accomplish my fitness and healthy living goals. I think they're pretty good, so I wanted to share them.
Plan ahead & be prepared.
No matter what I am doing, but especially when it comes to my work day, I always plan ahead and bring food with me. I think about what I would like to eat that day and load up my lunch sack with that and more. I generally have uneaten food in my bag when I arrive home at the end of the day, but I would rather have options and more than what I can consume then be left with nothing. Doing this keeps me from reaching for less healthy, yet readily accessible food options, such as fast food or highly processed items you often find in a convenient store. I enjoy having control over what I put into my body, and I am the one who packs the food so I never have anything I don't like. It takes a little bit of extra thought and work the night before/morning of, but that little bit goes a long way.
Size control = portion control.
For the longest time, I have utilized this methodology when it comes to food. Everyone knows that the printed serving sizes on food items often leave one wanting. Comedian, Brian Regan, tends to agree. Check this out!
Nevertheless, when the saturated fat content or caloric value is high in relation to a single serving, one would be wise to heed the suggestion. The way I combat this is by using small containers for potentially hazardous food items. For ice cream, I use a small bowl. I can fill it up and make it appear as if I'm having a whole dish's worth, which I am. But, my waistline is much happier that my small bowl is only about 1 cup as opposed to a cereal bowl which can hold between 2-2.5 cups. Same thing for dinner. If it's really late, and I don't want to overeat, I use a 7 inch plate as opposed to a 9 or 11 inch one. My plate looks full, but I'm not consuming as much. Such a simple trick that works wonders.
Along these lines, I have discovered a product to help anyone trying to get their portions & nutritional balance right. Developed by Slimware, these plates are designed beautifully with a hidden portion control device. The design pictured here is the Jubilee design, and the large flower is for vegetables, the 2nd largest flower is for protein, and the smallest one is for starchy carbs. Using this, all of the measuring and head scratching disappears. Portion control couldn't be easier.
Drink lots of water.
Water is important for hydration and makes up almost 3/4's of our body's weight. It keeps your system running efficiently. I know there are some great vitamin infused waters, etc., but you can't beat good ol' H20. So try to steer away from water with additives. Take a multi-vitamin daily and then add a dash of lemon, lime, or even a cucumber slice to your water throughout the day. It will jazz up the otherwise monotonous beverage naturally and effectively.
Also, keep in mind that what may feel like hunger is actually your body telling you that you are dehydrated. If you feel hungry when you know you probably shouldn't, drink a glass of water, wait 20 minutes, and re-visit the idea of a snack. If the hunger pangs persisted, you probably could use one, but if they vanished you know what your body actually needed. So have another glass!
Exercise.
DUH! But everyone thinks to incorporate exercise into their life, they have to be willing to commit to hour long sessions at the gym 5 days a week. WRONG! In this case, less is more. Even if you log only 20 minutes 3-4x per week, you will do your body good. Any exercise is good exercise, and it can take on various forms: walking, running, bicycling, rollerblading, kick boxing, dancing, vacuuming, stair climbing, stretching, yoga, and the list goes on and on. It doesn't so much matter what you do, just so long as you DO something.
And for people who feel really time crunched, do two 10 minutes sessions at different points during your day. It will give you an energy boost and get the job done without breaking your time bank. Lots of trainers include shortened sessions as a bonus to their DVD's. Upload them to your smart phone, write them down, or run a quick search online. They're out there! Do a little hunting, or make up your own! Again, anything is better than nothing. Eat frequently.
I eat with great frequency, but in small portions. On average, I eat something every 3-4 hours. It keeps my metabolism buzzing, prevents/rectifies mid-afternoon slumps, and keeps my energy up. Not to mention, it's delicious! I try to vary the types of foods I eat throughout the day (fruits, veggies, carbs), and incorporate healthy fats and proteins at key intervals when my energy would otherwise like to peter out. It can get tricky at night. If I eat very late, no dessert for me! But if not, I'll leave room for a special treat an hour or so afterward. I try not to eat anything within 2.5-3 hours of bedtime. You don't need calories just sitting there overnight and aligning themselves ever so nicely to your hips. No, thank you!
Everything in moderation.
Just the other day, a friend of mine could not have stated it better, "It's not about what you eat, but how much." So true! I like so many different kinds of foods. My favorites tend to fall in the sweet and salty departments, so believe me, I take time to enjoy French fries. But! I try not to overdo it. It's about portion control, yes, but it's also about taking a holistic perspective. If you happen to have a heavily fried or high fat item one day, don't sweat it too much. Just make sure you leave that out of your diet over the next day or so. If you have a piece of birthday cake at a friend's party (or your own for that matter), don't freak out! Savor it, and opt for fruit as dessert tomorrow. One "bad" food item will not knock your whole diet off track. So feel free to indulge once in a while. Food is there for nutrition and enjoyment, not for creating guilt and anxiety. Let yourself eat everything, just do so in moderation.
I hope you found these tips helpful. Like I said, I live by them, and I feel pretty good about my overall health and fitness. Adopting one or even a few could be just the thing you need to get yourself on track. Now, I am not a doctor or a licensed nutritionist, so don't take these suggestions as gold. But they work for me. Perhaps they will work for you too!
One of my most beloved features are my eyes. They're big, brown, and beautiful. Hence, when I wear makeup, I always make sure to accentuate them.
When I was in college, I participated in a girl's only event where a graduate from a local "beauty institute" gave us the 411 on how to apply makeup well. Oftentimes, less is more. Our educator confessed that before learning a few simple techniques, she would go overboard with her makeup application, and rather than emphasize and accentuate her already beautiful features, she wound up looking like Mi Mi from the Drew Carey Show.
I learned two techniques that night that I have carried with me over the years:
Applying eyeliner to your waterline.
"Layering" eye shadow.
Applying eyeliner to your lower waterline (that is, the small space behind your eyelashes on your lower lid) is great for large eyes as it minimizes their size. Whereas, if you apply eyeliner to your upper lash line, it gives the appearance of larger eyes.
So, I never wear eyeliner on my upper lid. Furthermore, I do not use liquid eyeliner; it is impossible. I attempted it a few times only to end up with incredibly terrifying looking eyes as the liner would get all over my actual eyeball. *shudder* I prefer pencil.
Oftentimes, people line their top and bottom lids; it looks great! It gives your eyes a dramatic effect and makes them a focal point of your overall look, which can be embellished or simplified depending on the thickness of the lines and/or colors of liner used.
Kim Kardashian
Here is simple table with 4 different techniques on how to line your eye for various effects - helpful & self explanatory:
Now because I apply my eyeliner to my lower waterline, I have some difficulty getting it to stay put. I did some digging and discovered not only an effective way to enhance the definition and improve its staying power, but also add a playful dimension to it.
Dry your waterline, using a Q-tip. By relieving the area of existing moisture, it allows the makeup you will subsequently apply set up better, thereby creating a more sure foundation.
Apply your preferred eyeliner directly to the waterline.
Using a slanted brush, apply eye shadow of the same color atop the eyeliner. As moisture accumulates throughout the day, it will make contact primarily with the powder of the eyeshadow, not your eyeliner, allowing it to remain intact all day. Also, it brightens and further intensifies the liner and its effects.
To add a fun dimension to your look, you could use an eyeshadow that compliments or mimics the color of your eyeshadow. The possibilities here are endless. Just have fun!
Give it a try! I really like this technique because it is so versatile.
As an aside, I have recently discovered grey eyeshadow. It is a great color in that it can blend with just about every other color and adds extra pizazz without looking overdone.
I hope these insights have helped you. I extend a special thanks to Shuggra, the writer of the Indian Makeup & Beauty blog, for all of her tips, demonstration photos, and step-by-step instructions. I'll definitely be checking back there for more helpful hints.
Stop. Stop right now. Stop reading this blog. Close your laptop. Set a timer for 10 minutes and do nothing. And, I mean nothing. Sit there, like a lump, for the next 10 minutes.
When was the last time you allowed yourself to press the pause button on life? We all know how it goes. We are ruled by our agendas and flit from one task to the next barely catching our breath. We never mean to be so busy; nevertheless, life happens and always has some dilemma that needs our immediate attention (or so it seems). Hopefully, and in most cases for myself, this is not always the case; however, in the last week or so, I have been incredibly busy. (Hence, the lack of blog postings).
If you are not aware as of yet, I became licensed to teach Zumba classes on 3/12. The training was exhilarating, fun, and exhausting. I arrived at 7:30am and left at 6pm. Everything in between was mostly learning the various steps to the different rhythms and dancing our tooshies off; it was awesome. I am totally amped for Zumba classes to begin. (My Gym of Westfield is holding a FREE introductory class this coming Monday (3/28) from 7-8pm!!! Call to reserve a spot!).
Nevertheless, as with the launch of any new program, a lot of work goes on behind the scenes in preparation, and as I am the sole instructor, I have been working very hard. I do not state this as a complaint, but rather to explain why I have been so busy. It takes a lot of work to listen to and learn new music and to pick the different steps I want to use in each song for each rhythm. I have really enjoyed the whole process and find it difficult to not spend every spare minute continuing to tweak my program. But, as I arrived at today, I realized I haven't allowed myself much breathing room in the last week. So, as soon as I could, I set a timer for 10 minutes and sat like a lump on the couch until it went off.
Not a few times did I want to spring into action, taking care of this or that little thing that "needed" to be done. For the first few minutes, I was mentally bombarded by my list of To-Do's. But I resisted and continued to be a lump. I can't say the 10 minutes dissolved all of my stress and weariness, but it did help. It allowed me to catch my breath, for which I am thankful.
I won't be doing Zumba today; my body needs a break. Instead, I'm going to engage in some reading that I have been neglecting and some good, solid relaxation. My can-do attitude is currently screaming at me as I type this; sometimes, I have more ambition than I know what to do with. But, I also know from experience that if I do not slow myself down here and there, I become very anxious, stressed out, and am not a fun person to live with. It was such over achieving tendencies that led me to my nervous breakdown in high school. Thankfully, my ability to say "no" here in this situation is evidence of personal growth.
So whether you have a Type A personality like me, have been working very hard of late, or are simply a human being doing the best you can in life, I can bet you could really use 10 minutes for yourself. For me, being a lump is what I need to do in times like these. For you, it could be different. We always pass by on opportunities to do something for ourselves because we rationalize that we'll get to it eventually. Except, eventually never comes and the vicious cycle continues. And 10 minutes is nothing! So no more excuses; just do it already. Stop what you're doing and take 10 minutes for yourself. Ready? GO!
My latest obsession of the fashion world revolves around flats - simple, low-maintenance, no heel, super functional shoes. I love them because of their versatility. Back in January, I purchased this go-with-everything pair from Charlotte Russe, and so far, they are the only pair I own.
To support my latest craze, I decided to check out Payless.com just to see what flats they had to offer this season and get ideas as to what I may look towards purchasing in the near future. After selecting the women's department link, I was greeted by a list 14 categories long, which reminded me that I do not fully grasp the intricacies of all of the different shoe types out there.
So, I did a little digging. The following is a list of many of the more popular shoe types, but is by no means exhaustive:
Flats (regular or ballet)
Heels (high or kitten)
Espadrilles
Wedges
Pumps
Mary Janes
Loafers
Slingbacks
Sandals
Boots
Peep Toes
Platforms
Mules
Clogs
Oxfords
& So On & So Forth...
I will not go into the details of every category listed above, but will touch on a few. To begin, I will investigate the one that inspired this post in the first place - Flats.
Flats range in style and construction from sandals to closed toe varieties. They generally have little to no heel; hence, as the name suggests, your foot remains flat while wearing them. Now, there are also Ballerina Flats, which are a category all their own. About.com defines them in this way:
Inspired by ballet slippers, ballerina flats have become a staple in women's footwear. Having a flat heel, closed toe, and a slipper-style construction, ballerina flats are typically low-cut, meaning they show a lot of the top of the foot. Made from a wide variety of materials, ballerina flats can be dressy or casual, and are sometimes called "skimmers" or "ballet flats.
Seemingly, designers have immense amounts of fun when creating these lovely must-haves. Popular fashion inspires their look. I'm in love with these American Eagle Gingham Audrey Knot Ballet Flats (pictured left) and intrigued by Christian Siriano's Satin Kimono Flats (pictured right). By wearing flats, you can complement your outfit or add something extra. It's really up to you! But no matter how you incorporate them, they offer yet another effortless and fun way to dress!
Espadrilles are a more casual shoe, generally speaking. You can expect to see them during warmer weather and are characterized by the top of the shoe being made of fabric and their wedge-like heels made out of or made to resemble rope or woven materials. I am a big fan of this shoe type for summer; however, I do not own a pair. Maybe this year!
In case you were wondering, Pumps are identified by Wiktionaryas "a woman's shoe that has medium or high heels and no fastenings."
Clogs and Mules are similar in construction as they typically have no back; however, clogs (as their name suggests) are more clunky due to their usually wooden or hard-material, thick-heeled sole. Whereas, mules can be rather dressy and sleek. Nevertheless, an advantage to clogs is that, depending on their design, they can give the appearance of boots without the "bulk."
Mules
Clogs
I will conclude this brief synopsis of shoe styles with nifty Oxfords. Wikipedia enlightens us:
Oxfords are traditionally constructed of leather and were historically plain, formal shoes but are now available in a range of styles and materials that complement both casual and formal forms of dress. It is derived from the Oxonian, a half-boot with side slits that gained popularity at Oxford University in 1800. The side slit evolved into a side lace that eventually moved to the instep, as students rebelled against knee-high and ankle-high boots. The toe cap can either be lined with punched holes or two narrow rows of stitching.
I think these shoes are just really neat and a great complement to menswear inspired outfits, lending them extra, earthy sophistication or vintage polish.
Naomi Watts
Kristen Stewart & Olivia Palermo
Shoes are a wonderful accessory, but one of those fashion add-on's that significant others usually loathe due to the amount of closet space they occupy. I have resigned myself to never having a "rational" argument strong enough to convince my husband as to why I need more than one pair of sneakers and one pair of "dress shoes." Likewise, he will likely never have an argument strong enough to convince me why he needs the latest techno-gadget. So, we will agree to disagree, and I will continue to shop for bargain shoes that make me smile and complement my wardrobe.
I hope this post has helped clarify things for you. If you would like further information, you can check out About.com's section devoted entirely to shoe styles for women. About.com offers a decent overview of styling options, advice on how to find the proper fit, and what's popular currently. Best wishes to all for happy feet!
I was reading in SELF magazine today and found this article to be particularly potent. I hope you enjoy and glean something from it.
Get Real
How to Be Your Truest Self and Love Your Life
"Authenticity is key to a happy, healthy, more meaningful existence. Just being yourself sounds so easy, yet it's suprisingly hard to do. Here's how to be your truest self every day."
Written by: Marjorie Ingall
A few years ago, I was sitting at a family brunch listening to an elderly relative blithely spout racist and homophobic remarks. The room was so silent, you could have heard a pin drop—a pin I wish I could have poked her with. Was anyone going to challenge her? Apparently not. Should I say something? Because I'd only married into this family, I worried about overstepping. Gently, I offered, "I think you're making some major generalizations…." She glared, and a cousin shot me a silent message: Shut it. I did.
Years later, I still regret not speaking up, and the memory of that moment makes me feel as if I'd betrayed myself. As I discovered, being genuinely authentic—something experts define as knowing who you are and what you value and being true to those things in your daily life—is vital to happiness, as important as forming strong friendships and finding fulfilling work. "Research shows that if you talk about what you believe and identify with what you say, rather than hiding yourself from others, you'll be a happier person," says Kennon Sheldon, Ph.D., professor of psychological sciences at the University of Missouri at Columbia. "To achieve peak happiness—autonomy, competence and relatedness—we have to do what we believe, do it well, keep getting better at it and connect to other people in the process. The surest way to achieve all that is to live authentically," Sheldon explains.
Understanding who you are and feeling confident enough to express your views may also lead to improved health and longevity. "People who score high on measures of authenticity tend to have better resources for dealing with setbacks, feel more secure in their ability to meet life's challenges, form deeper relationships and develop a stronger sense of self-worth," says Brian Goldman, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at Clayton State University. They also seem to experience less stress. "Studies suggest that individuals who know themselves well and act on what they know report fewer stress-related symptoms such as headaches, backaches and stomachaches."
But what if who you are defies the expectations of everyone around you? Or what if you have conflicting impulses, as I did that day at brunch—specifically, a desire to avoid a scene versus standing up for what I knew was right? "We all have versions of ourselves that pull us in different directions," says Catherine Birndorf, M.D., a psychiatrist at NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital/Weill Cornell Medical Center and self's psychology expert. For instance, you may act one way at work and another with friends. (No F-bombs at the staff meeting!) "But if loved ones are pointing out that you're not being yourself on a regular basis"—e.g., you suppress your opinions because you don't want to anger your hotheaded boyfriend—"that's a clue you're not being true to yourself and you should look at that," she says.
Women, in particular, may have a tough time with authenticity. "Marching to your own drummer goes against evolutionary conditioning," says Julie Holland, M.D., assistant professor of psychiatry at the New York University School of Medicine. "Women are hardwired to chug along a predetermined path—couple up, have kids," she says. "Plus, most of us are taught that it's more important to fit in than to be authentic to who we are."
Another evolutionary strike against authenticity: "Typically, women tend to be nurturers; we're more attuned to other people's needs," Dr. Birndorf says. "When you're worrying so much about how others are doing, it can be difficult to be aware of what you want, never mind speaking up about it." But if you make no effort to figure out what you want, you're almost certain to disappoint yourself—and be less happy, to boot.
The four keys to living authentically
So how do you go about getting real? Goldman says these four factors are critical to finding and projecting who you are.
An awareness of what makes you tick That could mean knowing you value the freedom to be creative more than you do having a regular routine, or that you'd rather have a few close confidantes than a wide circle of casual acquaintances.
The ability to gauge your weaknesses Maybe you know you're not the biggest brainiac, but you compensate by being a superstar worker. Or you can acknowledge that you have a habit of telling white lies to make your anecdotes more interesting.
A willingness to act in accordance with your values That might mean speaking up against injustice or refusing to do work that runs counter to your beliefs.
Honest and sincere relationships "Letting people know who you really are, revealing your vulnerabilities as well as your strengths, is key if you want strong, healthy relationships," says Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D., author of The How of Happiness. Meaning you need to be able to share all the sides of you, even the ones you're not always proud of. "Honest disclosure helps create closeness, which leads to greater social support and long-term joy," she says.
Perhaps not surprisingly, the more comfortable you are with your beliefs, the easier it will be to stick up for them. "It may be tough to speak out about an issue when you're feeling ambivalent, but once you're clear about what your true feelings are, you'll feel stronger and more able to stay the course," Dr. Birndorf explains.
One surprising factor that might make it easier to be authentic: the economic downturn. "What's happening in the economy is terrifying, yes, but it's also forcing some of us to break down our facades and do a bit of soul searching about who we are and what we want," says Mike Robbins, a life coach and author of Be Yourself: Everyone Else Is Already Taken. "We're trying to define our identity without a job or a 401(k)." That can feel frightening at first, but it's also an opportunity to figure out how to pack more meaning into your day-to-day and connect with others more deeply.
Ready to lead a life you feel good about, from the inside out? Dive in to the following exercises, designed to help you hear your inner voice and heed it, so every day can feel richer, more joy-filled and less stressful, starting right now.
Pinpoint what matters to you
Pursuing intrinsic goals—goals motivated by you alone, rather than family, friends or society—will bring you more satisfaction and pleasure than following a path you haven't chosen freely, according to Lyubomirsky. So grab a pen and answer these questions, to hone in on what you value most.
What makes you happiest? Is it spending time with people you love or solving tough problems? If you're having trouble being specific, "try thinking about words or concepts that feel meaningful, whether that's integrity, ambition, passion, success or connection," Dr. Birndorf suggests. "Ask yourself what defines you, what's most important in your life."
Next, consider what upsets you most. All the injustice in the world? Feeling disconnected from friends and family?
What are your deepest fears? That you'll become homeless? Never having the adventures you've dreamed of?
What gifts do you want to share? Are you a genius at bringing people together? Do you have a yen to write poetry?
If it's difficult to zero in on what you truly value, ask yourself this question: "If today were my last day on earth, what would I do?" This exercise should help you target what really resonates with you, whether it's leading a life that's endlessly stimulating or enjoying well-loved rituals with family close at hand. Once you've achieved this self-awareness, you'll be better equipped to choose friends and a partner who share your values, find a career and hobbies that thrill you and build a life you love.
Know your weaknesses
It's not enough to know what you care about. You also need to be aware of your strengths and where you fall short so you can choose realistic goals that will ultimately feel satisfying. To see if you're a master of unbiased processing—the ability to view yourself objectively, warts and all—try to recall…
A time you ignored your gut. Ever hooked up with an ex against your better judgment, then felt (predictably) regretful? Next time, pause when you get that initial sinking feeling. "Often, when you're not paying attention to your inner voice, you'll experience a variety of physical sensations—aches and pains or a pounding heart," Dr. Birndorf says. "Take note, then ask yourself, Am I listening to my internal compass?"
A time you tried to whitewash one of your flaws. Maybe deep down, you know you're an ace procrastinator, but somehow, you always find an excuse for why things don't get done. (No time!) "None of us is perfect," Dr. Birndorf says. "By accepting the various shades of gray, you'll have a clearer picture of who you are and what you need to do to get what you want."
A time you blamed someone else for your mistake. ("If you hadn't distracted me, I'd have done a better job!") The point of these questions is not to beat yourself up—you probably do too much of that anyway. "You want to become more aware, a key step in changing any negative behaviors," Dr. Holland says.
I experienced that kind of awareness firsthand, when I landed a coveted producer job at a new, much ballyhooed cable network for women. Many friends and colleagues were envious and told me so. I should have been thrilled, except I hated the work. I found the pace too fast and the treatment of issues superficial; I missed delving deep into research and writing long paragraphs. If I had been honest with myself, I'd have admitted that I was doing something that didn't suit me. But I was too busy forcing myself to put on a happy face to pay attention to what I was feeling—like a fish out of water. Everyone else thought my job was prestigious and cool, so it must be so!
Clearly, I was ignoring the first tenet of authenticity: being aware of what made me tick. I also wasn't paying attention to what I knew about my strengths and weaknesses (the second tenet).
Then I got promoted: The big bosses wanted me to manage the other writers. Given that the only part of the job I enjoyed and valued was the friendships I had made with these writers, the prospect of having to be the one to tell them what to do, cracking the whip and losing those congenial relationships made me feel anxious rather than joyful. My reaction, and the fact that I was finally able to acknowledge it, hammered home how unhappy I was. So I gave notice and returned to magazine writing. And before long, I could breathe again.
Align your values and actions
As for my failure to stand up to my bigoted relative at that long-ago brunch, that broke authenticity tenet number three: I didn't act in a way that was congruent with my values. I've always prided myself on being someone who stands up to oppression. (I write articles in favor of gay marriage and against racism. I bring my kids to political rallies. I watch Jon Stewart!) I'm not saying I should have drowned out her rant by singing 1960s folk songs, but let's be honest: After a feeble protest, I caved. And my silence conveyed the message that this woman's words were acceptable. Maybe if I'd done the following exercise beforehand, I wouldn't have betrayed myself that way.
Think of a time you didn't act in concert with your values. Next, change the script. What could you have done or said differently? What if you'd said X and she'd said Y? "It's easy to brood over the times we've let ourselves down or blurted out something silly," Dr. Birndorf says. "Instead of replaying these missteps, it's helpful to reimagine how you might have handled things differently so you can do better next time." That doesn't mean envisioning a scene in which you're simply telling the person off. "Being authentic is not about being a jerk—you have to respect where someone else is coming from," Sheldon says. "The best way to be persuasive is to take in someone else's perspective, to say something like, 'You may not see it this way, but here's why I think what I do.' You have to give people the space to have a different opinion."
Reflect on the possible consequences of your new version. What's the worst that could have happened? Would speaking your mind really have been so catastrophic? When I look back on my relative's tirade and my tepid response, I realize that I could have tried to say something along the lines of "The way you're talking is making me uncomfortable. But we have different views here, so let's change the subject." Even if she lost her temper, no biggie—I'd still look like the reasonable one. Or I could have kept my mouth shut, avoided conflict altogether, then clued in my younger cousins as to how I was feeling later. ("You know it's not right to talk like that, don't you? I wish I'd said something, but I didn't want to embarrass Cousin So-and-So.")
Dare to reveal your true self
Perhaps the toughest part of being authentic is owning up to your less than noble emotions (jealousy when a friend announces she's pregnant while you've been fruitlessly trying for years). Why bother? When you allow yourself to be known, you give others the opportunity to reveal themselves as well. That's what brings people closer, a key to happiness.
Consider whether you express your true emotions. Start by asking yourself this question: A friend tells you that she has landed your secret dream job. How do you react to the "good" news? A With a squeal of joy; you can cry later, when you're alone. B By saying, "Wow, I've heard they work really long hours there. Forget that vacation you were planning!" C By telling your friend how proud you are of her and that you know she'll do great in her new gig, but also admitting that you're a little bit jealous of her accomplishment.
If you answered C, congratulations. You're generally able to show your emotions, even when they're not pretty, which means you likely have close bonds. If you answered A or B, you'll be glad to know you have the chance to improve your relationships. "Being your true self doesn't mean obliterating the traits that aren't great," Dr. Birndorf says. "If you're feeling jealous, you don't have to hide it. Coming clean may even help you identify a possible problem before it turns into something huge, and you'll both understand each other better." There is a bonus beyond deepening the friendship: "When you recognize that it's possible to have complex, opposing feelings at the same time, that's a huge emotional victory," Dr. Birndorf says.
As I've gotten older and learned to trust myself, I've had more of those kinds of victories, like when I fell in love with my husband and decided to go live with him, clear across the country. When I told a former boss and mentor about my plans, she was horrified: "My generation did not pave the way for yours so that you could give up and play house!" I had always looked up to this woman, so her negative response made me anxious. I, too, felt worried about not being properly feminist or that I'd feel like a fool if the relationship didn't work out and I ended up slinking home with my tail between my legs.
Yet despite all that, I kept on with my plan. I also vowed to tell people the real reason I was moving (my boyfriend lives in California, and I'm going there to be with him) as opposed to inventing fake reasons for my move (I need a break from New York City). Despite the inevitable criticism, it was easier to tell the truth—even to my mentor—because I knew that my desires were authentic. And although there were no guarantees that things would work out, I wanted to try. In return, I got love and challenges and hot sex and pain and joy and, eventually, beautiful children. But even if my relationship had tanked and I'd moved back alone, I know that taking the risk would have been worth it. I was, after all, following not only my gut but also my heart. You can't get more authentic than that.
I am writing this blog following a 51 minute sweat session, which featured a total body circuit that incorporated strength and cardiovascular training (thank you EA Active) and Zumba. My body is tired, but it hurts so good. I have been looking forward to my workout all day. I am a highly active person with a highly active mind. Relaxation for me generally does not occur by passively sitting, perhaps watching TV or reading a book. I wind down and shake off daily stresses through movement (or a nap, that's the only way I can successfully shut myself down). So, many times exercise is my cure all, and the released endorphins certainly don't hurt. :)
Update! In case you were wondering, back in January I remarked that I was helping my father get back on track with his overall fitness. I am happy to report in the last 2 months, he has dropped 25 pounds!! I would still like to see him exercise a little more. But he's on a great streak, and I am very proud of him.
I also want to alert my readers of a national movement that is afoot, named, "The President's Challenge." For full details, you can visit the link, but here is the nutshell version: The white house, namely Michelle Obama, is extremely interested in the overall physical fitness of America, and not just kids - everyone. Enveloped within the President's Challenge is the Presidential Active Lifestyle Award (PALA) challenge, which calls all adults to "be active 30 minutes a day, at least 5 days a week, for 6 out of 8 weeks." If one completes this regimen, he/she can submit his/her log and receive the PALA (all of this can be done via the website).
Admittedly, the idea of committing to 30 minutes per day, 5 days per week for 6 weeks seems a bit daunting. But the President's Challenge does not seek to turn everyone into a gym buff. Rather, they want you to find the value in everyday activity, however simple or complex. Activity is the state of being active! It doesn't have to include squats, bicep curls, or elliptical machines. Housework, playing with your children, or taking your dog on a walk all count towards the 30 minutes requested. Furthermore, one does not have to complete the 30 minutes in one shot; he/she can spread it out over the course of the day. Certainly, sustained activity is better than quick and/or sporadic; nevertheless, something is always better than nothing.
If you're up for the challenge, I encourage you - give it a go! Even if you are unable to exercise 5 days per week and only average 2-3 times instead, that in and of itself is an achievement and should not be overlooked. In addition, if you would like to partner with my workplace, My Gym, who is an official corporate advocate of this program, we would love to add you to our "roster" of active individuals. You can simply contact me through this blog or via e-mail (mrs.jcook811@gmail.com). I can send you a log sheet, and or you can send me your weekly data. It is a proven fact that one succeeds far better when supported by others; what do you have to lose!?
Whether you join in the President's Challenge or not, to help you on your way, I would recommend a membership to www.myfitnesspal.com. "MyFitnessPal is a diet and fitness community built with one purpose in mind: providing you with the tools and support you need to achieve your weight loss goals." It includes free calorie counters, diet tips, and an exercise log. My sister invited me to join, and I am hooked. Designers make this tool incredibly appealing & convenient by offering mobile apps for the iphone, blackberry, and android. Having your fitness diary at your fingertips makes it easy to track your progress and data.
This week I've been focusing extra on eating right and exercising well. When the whole picture comes together, you can't help but feel great! C'mon friends! Get movin'!
